It’s really more than I can explain.

Here. Here is the fucking scarf. It doesn’t even matter it seems. Because I don’t have time to knit it. Instead, I have knit one hat and started another, finished it, then realized I was so distracted and stressed out that I completely effed up on my dpns to close up the top. Ended up frogging half my work. Threw my hands up. Knit a few rows on the scarf.

Length of a Scarf

 

In other news, I believe Ducky has had a mental breakdown, which has caused me to have….a mental breakdown.

It’s as if, just when I’ve started to feel better and more confident and like I have more direction in my life,  a wrench gets thrown into the works. Or, you know, a whole toolbox. A toolbox full of mental illness.. hah, Now. If I could only take that toolbox and use it to my advantage.

I miss Raven. I called him today, so upset, while Ducky was out grocery shopping. A few nights ago he met me at Kitty’s and we cuddled and cuddled, all three of us sleeping, warm, in the same bed. And you know what? Nothing happened. Yeah, I know. Exciting, right? But, I am committed to someone.

Commitment. Blah. I am possibly realizing that as hard as I try I don’t know if I’m cut out for the marriage thing. The path laid out before every person in this country, at least, perhaps in the world. Get married, buy house, have kids, work, play a little, die. But when something is missing. SOMETHING. And your partner can’t give it to you. (Because, believe me, NOBODY is going to change unless they want to). Why not? Why the fuck not? Open relationship. No marriage. Adoption (because hey- I don’t know, bringing yet another human into this world when there are already so many of us and there are millions of homeless children? I’m not sure about that yet). And hey- Raven’s kids are mighty beautiful…sigh… ANYWAY.

I always thought I would get married, have a family. A sweet little career, nothing too intense. A dog, some cats. A kitchen with, you know, a real stove and possibly counter space and more cabinets?

Alas, I have not opened my eyes, I am only peeking through the keyhole of each question I ask.

Insomnia has gotten me again. Decided to not smoke MaryJ after 2:30PM and now it is 2:01AM and fuck if I can go to sleep.

Knit. Sleep? Eat? Coffee. Knit. Smoke. Coffee. Smoke. Knit. Eat? Sleep? SLEEP??

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